Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
You Might Also Like
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Godspeed, John Glenn
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park