[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
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Autocorrect completely socks
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Love this one 😂🧟
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
My sex drive has a dui
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
Important