Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot