Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
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Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Anyone want a chair?
THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was