[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
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Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
where the womens at?
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Me trying to “trust the process”
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.