Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
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If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Its true…
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.