Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 馃榿
Losing 馃槻
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[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
This is true.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
friend: don鈥檛 worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I鈥檓 just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I鈥檓 finished with that I鈥檓 going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Husband: How鈥檚 your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can鈥檛 handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I鈥檓 so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up