[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
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I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.