Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
i hate you platonically
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”