Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
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I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after