Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
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6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Cat is stressing him out.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
5 Stages of Pregnancy:
1: Crying
2: Peeing
3: Crying because you peed
4: Peeing because you’re crying
5: The toilet is your home now
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Me: I love pastry
Person on Twitter: I see that you like pastry and that’s fine but also I wondered if you ever knew that pastry was responsible for a murder in 1977 when someone set a sausage roll on fire which caused a fatality so you’re basically condoning murder here’s a link