[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
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me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
I cannot call her anything else now
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.