[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
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Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together