[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
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yes yes a thousand times yes!
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
Fifty Shades of Grey is only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he was living in a trailer park it would be a Criminal Minds episode.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
May never get over this
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.