{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.