{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
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Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room