*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
You Might Also Like
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.