[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
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I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Yoga Matt
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.