[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
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So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.