playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
is this a warning or an offer?
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.