[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
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Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
peep davidson
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
me: i think the leg needs to be amputated.
doctor: don’t worry it’s just a mosquito bite.
me: i know but it’s so itchy.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.