Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
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Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old