playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
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“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.