[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
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*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
All excellent questions
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
[Asking someone out]
Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”