[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
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*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
house sitting!
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.