[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
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“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
not to brag, but mine was free
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between