*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane