*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
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Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Tonight during distance dinner with my friends we were talking about how much harder it is to be impressed in your 30s and they asked what it would take to impress me and I said an exorcism, so, yeah, I think I need to get more fresh air.
Get in loser we’re going crying
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Best table by far
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Got fired from my 4th fast food job in a row for asking “do you want a shake with that?” at the drive thru window and then twerking for 5 minutes no matter what they answered
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.