Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
You Might Also Like
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
Trying
CRYING
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.