Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
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After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
consequences, the bane of my existence
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”