“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
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*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
The glory of fall.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!