Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
You Might Also Like
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease