Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.

Me: Same.

A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream

Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better

Good news: Your wit is really mind-blowing
Bad news: It’s not my mind that I want blown

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.

Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.

Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.

The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere

When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by

Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy

you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”

At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.

In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

me: how much is this cordless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.

Okay, Feds.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*