Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Her: I have to urinate
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel