Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
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Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
You deplete me
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”