Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.