@stephenjmolloy Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
@Overdue_Bills Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
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@stephenjmolloy 
@Reverend_Scott “So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
@meganamram Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
@hansabumsadaisy #rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
@LuvPug I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
@KrazykurtKurt If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
@AmishSuperModel According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
@causticbob The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
@Reverend_Scott Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
@partlyfunny My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.