Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
You Might Also Like
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?
A panda with a set of drums.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.