Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
I thought this was funny lol
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Shower sex be like:
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Me trying to walk in a dream
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Wife: *signing divorce papers*
I’m sorry I ever married youMe: Apology accepted
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!