Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
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*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Think I pulled my liver
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
WHY?!