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I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
haha same
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.