@wag____

Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.

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@HeSlimedMeRay

It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.

@zachreinert0

I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards

@Dawn_M_

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

@jonnysun

holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do

@Kauaibride

he said he adored my imperfections.

and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????

@PezzleStick

A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.

@dafloydsta

[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?

I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.

@SaraESpivey

My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.

@KevinBuffalo

Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.

@ozzyunc

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.