Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
choose your gary
Day 2 of my diet
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.