Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.

If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

*interview for new roommate*

Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about

Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!

Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear

Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?

If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain

Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.

Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From

14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen

I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…

The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.

This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly

#getstudying #college

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter