Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Who called them potatoes & not the motherchip.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem