please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
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911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
teacher: are u a visual thinker, auditory thinker, or kinesthetic thinker
me: oh im not a thinker
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Disney set unrealistic standards of how often woodland creatures would help me clean and do laundry if I just sang out my window
When you did see a few red flags but you’re sure you can change him
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it