Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”

Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush

“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.

I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution

I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.

Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.

The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

Whoa. I guess one dude quit:

I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*

4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?

I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone

I mean, who TALKS on the phone

[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]

*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*