Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.
Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that