PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
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Who’s ready for Friday?!
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?
CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
The struggle is real! 🤣 #Cats #CatsofTwittter
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.