[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
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Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.