Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
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[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
What one thing may cause you to snap so that you could see yourself committing murder?
<At same time>
Husband: If anyone hurt my chil-Me: Being forced to listen to jazz music — I mean, children. I’m going with the children thing.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate