Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
You Might Also Like
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
old people with oxygen tanks are sneaking away to live in an underwater utopia
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?