Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
ROOMBA: I pick up anything
ME: [throwing it my car keys] Great, my kids are done with school at 3:30
ROOMBA: No wait-
[45 minutes later]
ROOMBA: You learn anything new today?
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”