Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
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My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Pot warmers of the day.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
The A string on my guit_r is flat
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Living the best life.. 😊
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
This might be the funniest tweet ever
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.